{this is real.it is a real feeling}

{cayden age 4}

i am doing what I’ve wanted to do since the time I was young.
 I get to be a mom. I know people have differing opinions about it, but for me I consider being home with my children a gift. It is something I want, and somehow right now I’ve been blessed with it. Being a stay.at.home.mom isn’t easy. It takes a great deal of will power. I am my own boss. Every day I have to make a mental list for myself of what I want to have happen. Sometimes I fail. At times  I don’t meet every expectation. Other days my 3 1/2 year old attempts to convince me that he’s the boss.. there are certain aspects of motherhood I’m not very good at. I’m not up at 6 a.m. preparing well-balanced breakfasts of eggs, pancakes, bacon and orange juice. it usually is pop.tarts. Morning and I accept each other… but that doesn’t mean we have to like each other. 

On the rare occasion we have pancakes… & it's usually when daddy makes them.

Anyway… my fault list could go on a mile, but I’m attempting to focus on the positive. right now that is a must.

Despite all this there are those moments of satisfaction, when I feel a sense of accomplishment. When I just don’t give a little of me, but I give all of me. i love to give fun parties. i love to read  bedtime stories when i have the energy. Holidays are full of traditions, excitement and usually a little bit over the top.  There is never a shortage of love and hugs and happy moments. I go to church, spend most of the time in the hall chasing the {3 1/2} year old but I do it because that’s what you do, and that is what I want my kids to see me doing… going even when it's tough. I’m trying to learn new things. I’m trying to make our house a home, a comfortable and peaceful place for my children to grow. 

These are the moments and the accomplishments that make me think…
think of what my little boy, well not so little in a week. he will be 9.
i don't think he knew at 9 he would be having these feelings. having anxiety & panic attacks.
this is when being that mom is hard. it breaks my heart.
heavenly father has always wanted me to learn patience... a.lot.of it. i never knew why until now. listening to your child say: mom, my stomach hurts. why? my heart hurts. i am scared. why do i feel like this. why,why, why. all i can say is... i don't know sweet.heart.
but, i guess i do know. it is genetics. it runs in my family. i have anxiety. that is hard for me to admit to. i know how Cayden is feeling. & it breaks my heart.
i know his head is stuck. that is the best way to describe it. i bought a book for him called
"what to do when you WORRY TO MUCH"
A kids guide to overcoming Anxiety.
if you have any kids that are going through similar situations it is the best book ever.
Cayden & i have worry time every day for 10 min. he can share his worries with me.
i know we can get through this. it has been draining the last few weeks but, who said life was easy right!? :) :)
The book gives some great tools like:
lock up worries in a strong box....
make worries wait for worry time.....
tell worries to get lost.....
relax with a favorite memory......
stay strong in your body & in your mind........

All i know is i am doing what I’ve wanted to do since the time I was young+ i have the best second half i could ever ask for working next to me side.by.side.

I know Cayden is going to feel so good When he gets all the tools he needs to finally
be able to draw himself without all his worries
& i hope he
 will still look & smile like this:


 s.i.m.p.l.y. p.e.a.c.e.f.u.l